Strangest Players

OSCAR ALEMAN Was brought along to training at the Southbury Leisure Centre by his flat-mate Adam Barker with a view to playing regularly for the Reserve Team during their ill-fated 2004-2005 Season. However, he only made one appearance...as a substitute in a 7-1 defeat to T.J. Rangers in which Manager Mark Howley gave him 0 out of 10 for his performance ! Also amused us at training by taking four touches to get the ball under control during our usual '3-touch' 7-a-side practice. Unfortunately had to be told he wasn't good enough but took it in good spirit.	*MORAD BENLOUB* A Moroccan who couldn't speak a word of English. Was brought along by somebody to play in a Pre-Season Friendly on the Astroturfs at Market Road, Islington back in 1990, but nobody will admit to being the culprit ! (We thought it was Aaron Dart, but he denies it). Wasn't a particularly good player and was never seen again anyway !	*BILLY BURNHAM* Joined the club in October 2003 as a result of being impressed with our club website. Was originally signed as a back-up goalkeeper, but eventually made 19 appearances for the Reserve Team as a Centre-Half and wasn't a bad player, although very overweight. Worked as a security guard on Saturday nights and often turned up to matches without having any sleep, but was better known for spending all his time at work going on the Forum and upsetting people with excessively long (and hilarious) rants ! Left the club before the Reserve Team folded after too many of our players started answering back !?

*RUSSELL BURNIKELL* The original 'Teenage Tearaway From Hell' and younger brother of former club stalwart & skipper Jerome, his only appearance came in a 'C' Team Friendly match in the early 1980's (because we were fed up with him moaning about not getting a game), although he would have played for the 'B' Team in a match Away to Billet 'B' (next-door to Claybury Mental Hospital in Woodford), but the convoy of cars deliberately left without him, leaving a message telling him that if he got to the venue by himself then the pitch was inside the grounds of the Hospital...and that was the last we heard of him (as a player) !	*NEVILLE BUTTON* Small bespectacled goalkeeper who somehow managed to travel by bus from Bushey (a two-hour journey) for every game ! Played 11 matches in the 1977-78 Season and was originally signed along with several others from a Dr. Barnardo's home in Enfield. No relation to Jenson (as far as we know) !?	*MARK 'STIFF' CAMPBELL* Legendary figure who answered an advert for players in 1978 and then just stood around almost motionless on a pitch covered in ankle-deep mud at training sessions (outside the Barrass Stadium) wearing 'regulation school plimsoles', hence Demitrius Nurse enquiring on his arrival 'Who's that Stiff over there ?' (The name just 'stuck' after that and cries of 'Stiiiiiiff' rang out across the playing fields thereafter, with nobody calling him 'Mark' at all). Totally useless player who thankfully didn't play a match (despite his claims that he'd previously played for Arras !). Took us 3 years to finally get rid of him by changing our training night, venue and time without telling him. Actually brought a mate along to some sessions who was even worse. Nobody knew his name, but he wore white plimsoles and white tracksuit bottoms to one session in December and went home without a speck of mud on him !

*MICHAEL CARR* Heavy-drinking 40-year-old Wiltshireman who answered an advert for a Manager, but also with the intention of continuing as a player. Had apparently played 'Semi-Pro' for Devizes Town. Lasted 7 matches during Season 1978-79 before 'disappearing'.	*GARY COOPER* Played in 42 matches in the late-70's as a defender/midfielder, including one match with a handkerchief stuffed up his shirt sleeve because he had a heavy cold. Best known for washing his car with a Rovers shirt from the kit bag one Sunday afternoon. Left the club after having a row with his team-mate (and next-door neighbour) Glenn Weaver. Was in the same class as Laurence Hughes at Edmonton County School.	*DAVE ASHTON'S NEIGHBOUR* Overweight middle-aged balding cab driver who went in goal for one match (as a 'ringer') in the 1978-79 Season and let in four own goals in an 11-1 defeat !! We didn't even bother to find out his name !

*CHRIS DEAL* Buck-toothed 'Train Enthusiast' (in the blue shirt pictured left aged 18 !) who played in goal in one match in our Youth League days back in 1976 and ended up getting his head (and teeth) deliberately 'kicked in' by an opposing forward in a 12-3 defeat. Also played 10 matches as an outfield player...somehow !	*PETER EGWUAGU* Nigerian goalkeeper from Kevin Dedman's Saturday side who made numerous bad fumbles in his 3 Appearances at the start of Season 1996-97. Was supposed to be an 'ace' basketball player though !? Turned up for a Pre-Season Friendly against Europa wearing the loudest goalkeepers' jersey ever (as pictured above) !	*ALTINAY 'BOB' FUAT* Turkish right-back who joined the club at the start of Season 2000-2001 after playing against us for Enfield Bullets in the Summer 7-a-side League. Lasted just four matches before breaking his leg in an accident at work when he was knocked backwards down a flight of stairs by a runaway fork-lift truck. Bizarrely turned up for his first match (a Pre-Season Friendly against Everest) wearing a hospital wrist-band, then came off 'injured' after 13 minutes in his second match, came off 'pissed' at Half-Time in his third match and was a substituted substitute in his fourth & final game...in which he wore the lurid purple vest as in the picture above (which clashed horribly with our jade kit) ! Still turns up to 7-a-side matches to play for Enfield Bullets but they never seem to use him !

*PAUL GALLAGHER* Skinny long-haired heavy drinker with goofy teeth who was familiar to us from kickabouts over the 'V Dump' (now Old Tottonians Rugby Club) just before we started the club in the 70's. Claimed to be a cousin of former Spurs & Arsenal defender and well-known right-hand man to Martin O'Neill, Steve Walford. Played 3 matches in the 1977-78 Season (mainly in Friendlies) but was never heard from again.	*JOHN GOODBODY* Elderly chain-smoking Scotsman who was dragged out of the Boundary House Pub in Ponders End by former player Kevin Connolly to become 'B' Team Manager in the early 1980's on the basis that he played professionally for Partick Thistle & Burnley, although Glenn Weaver's subsequent enquiries at those two clubs were met with a response of 'Who ?' ! Actually played in one match for the 'C' Team at the age of about 60 ! Best known for his catch-phrase of 'Och aye the fockin' noo' !	ROBERT GRIFFITHS Frail-looking ginger-haired midfielder who was brought along to the club by his work colleague John Dyer at the start of the 1997-98 Season. Only played in five matches, mostly as a substitute or a substituted player as he was totally out of his depth and was normally only awarded a mark of 5 or 5½. Is generally acknowledged to be one of the worst players to have played for the club, but despite that, Dyer kept trying to persuade Manager Trevor Hughes to put him in the starting line-up to vindicate his decision to bring him along ! Finally got the message after his father (who attended every game) inadvertently heard our players complaining about his performance in a London Junior Cup match at Hackney Marshes against Stanton Rubber & Plastics, a game in which Kevin Dedman had to step in to control a high ball for him while he nervously looked skywards waiting for it to come down.

*GLEN 'NO' HOPE* Work colleague of John Dyer & Gary Southam at B.D.C. who was given the nickname of 'No' by some of Rovers players after his one solitary performance in a Friendly match during the 1992-93 Season.	*JOSEPH HUNTER* Frail black player built like a matchstick (even more so than Peter Crouch, but nowhere near as tall). Totally useless. Brought along by Jerome Burnikell from somewhere and played 3 matches in the 1980-81 Season before being 'discarded'.	ROY JAGANNATH Small Indian midfielder who was brought along by goalkeeper Mike Singh at the start of the 1979-80 Season. His surname was pronounced 'juggernaut', but he was anything but ! Only played in two matches, one of which saw him being substituted at Half-Time and given a mark of 4 out of 10.

*PATRICK JOHN* No relation to club stalwarts Gareth & Huw John (as far as we know !). Brought along by Robert Mc,Mahon to be a substitute in a Haringey League match at Bush Hill Park back in Season 1984-85. Wore a thin tracksuit top in freezing conditions and just muttered non-stop in a Jamaican accent 'It's cold man, it's cold' !	*JUNEKA JUNIOR* Brazilian midfielder who played 10 matches for us during the 2005-2006 Season and then a few more in the Summer 7-a-side League up until the 1st June when he scored in a 5-3 win against Casuals and then simply vanished without trace ! Had just started to play well enough to earn a regular place in the side, while his English had improved as well. Joined the club after sending e-mails from Brazil (in hilariously bad English) saying that he was coming over to study and that he wanted to play Sunday football. Made his debut for us on a mud-heap of a pitch wearing flat-soled training shoes which Peter Murphy described in his match report as a pair of espadrilles ! Despite that, we are all hoping he might re-appear one day !	*LOOKMON KOLEOSHO* Five foot two inch forward of African descent - not Japanese despite his surname. Was brought along by his work colleague John Dyer back in 1990 when he played just one match (against Cheshunt Athletic) and was brought down for a penalty which gave us a rare 1-0 win. His speed was seen as a saviour for us in what was a poor season, but he 'sped off' into the distance straight after that game and was never seen again !

*MARTIN LOFTIN* Overweight work colleague of Laurence Hughes at W.H.Smith in Wood Green who played in three matches during the 1977-78 Season, all of which ended in severe 10-goal defeats, prompting Loftin to leave with the 'immortal' words 'Honestly Lol, your team is fucking shit' ! (Unfortunately, he was right !)	*GURSHVINDER MANN* Overweight Indian (Hockey player) who played in 14 matches between 1976 and 1979 and had an even stranger (uncoordinated) style of kicking the ball than goalkeeper Steve Lewis (except Mann was an outfield player !). Best known for having only his surname and the initial of his first name used by David Ashton as an alias when Ashton was booked in a match while playing as a 'ringer' !	*JIMMY Mc,CABE* Irish goalkeeper & ex-boyfriend of David Ashton's sister (back in the early 1980's). Played 14 games in the 1983-84 Season and was actually a very good keeper who we hoped would go on and serve the club well. However, after turning up to a match at Enfield Playing Fields and asking Laurence Hughes to put a black felt tray containing £20,000's worth of jewellery in the club 'valuables bag' on the touchline, he disappeared without trace straight after the game and was never seen again. He took the jewellery with him of course !

DANIEL Mc,INTYRE Headstrong teenage cousin of Lexton Harrison from a dodgy estate in Hackney who was really keen but committed more fouls in his four appearances for us during the year 2000 than the rest of the team did in a whole season ! His last appearance for us was when he got himself sent off for having a punch-up in a Pre-Season Friendly against Wormley Rovers and he was never picked again because of that. He then went on the FootballCV website (trying to get a trial with a Pro Club !) and 'bullshitted' the following questions: Football Career: In 1997 my former manager was ment (sic) to bring me to Layton (sic) Orient for trails (sic) but he never did. My current football club is Edmonton Rovers in Middlesex, North London ! Education: 7 GCSE'S !!!? Driving Licence: Yes !!!? Dominant Foot: Both !	*MORRIS MICHAEL* Ex-Edmonton County School colleague of Laurence Hughes and 'Famous Pop Star' !! Had a Top 10 hit with his 'Britfunk' group Mirage back in 1980 with 'Summer Groove', then went on to appear on Top of the Pops numerous times as a backing musician for the likes of Wham, ABC, the Blow Monkeys and many others. Was last heard of as some sort of 'Megastar' in The Gambia in the mid-80's but has since disappeared without trace !? Played in 4 matches for Rovers in the 1976-77 Season (until 'stardom' beckoned !)

*EDDIE O'SULLIVAN* A near 7-foot tall 'reject' signed from our 'jinx' team New Riverside back in the 1990-91 Season. He wasn't good enough for them and wasn't really good enough for us either as he only played in four matches and was named as a substitute most of the time. Best known for 'blaring out' the Match of the Day theme from a cassette player on the touchline during a match at Hazelwood and 'disappearing' at 'Rock Concerts'. Has been spotted recently working as a postman and playing for Edmonton Sunday League side Travellers United.	*MICHAEL PAKOUTA* Holds an amazing record of scoring just 30 seconds after coming on for his Rovers debut (in a London Junior Cup match against Leicester City Supporters at Wormwood Scrubs back in 1990). However, that was the only game he played in as he left shortly afterwards because he wasn't getting a game (probably because he was only 4ft.11ins. tall !)	*ANDY PARASKEVA/MICHAEL* E-mailed us in February 2001 (as Andy Paraskeva) asking to join after becoming 'disillusioned' with playing in the Cypriot Sunday League. After claiming he was a 'star player', we then signed him up and he made his debut (and what turned out to be his one and only appearance) as a substitute in a 4-3 Home defeat to Rosemill in a Division Two match. (He was awarded a 6 out of 10, did nothing of note and looked very unfit). The following day, players from the Cypriot Sunday League started coming on the Forum 'outing' him as a 'fraud', saying that his name was actually Andy Michael and that he was calling himself Paraskeva to escape an F.A. ban. That started a massive debate on the Forum between Paraskeva and various other Cypriots that seemed to go on for weeks (much to the amusement of the rest of our players), but he eventually admitted some sort of guilt and 'fled' to Cyprus...where he now plays professionally and has featured in the Champions League...so he claims !!! (He still looks at this website and e-mails us from time to time !)

*RICHARD PARKER* Looked more like a chess player than a footballer - had a 1920's-style haircut with a side parting. Played in one match only during the 1978-79 Season. No idea where he came from or who brought him along, but he was totally useless !	*NICK ROTHWELL* Another celebrity who played for Rovers ! Sky Sports' Canadian Ice Hockey commentator and one-time brother-in-law of Conor Mc,Govern who helped us out as a goalkeeper on our tour to the Isle of Wight in 1996. Played in both matches and wasn't a bad 'keeper actually.	*VINCE SEARLE* Teddy Boy 'B' Team goalkeeper from the early 1980's who joined after answering an advert. Made 11 appearances in total, some of them with a fag hanging from his mouth ! Left after nearly coming to blows with Laurence Hughes who berated him for 'mucking about' when we were 5-0 down in a 'C' Team Friendly match !

*NEBI 'LEE' SIMSEK* Teenaged Turkish midfielder who phoned Manager Trevor Hughes just before the start of the 2003-2004 Season asking (in poor English) to join the club, despite living in Stamford Hill and not being on the Internet. (Presumably someone recommended us to him ?). Preferred to be known as 'Lee' for some reason. Only played four matches for us (all for the Reserve Team) before disappearing by the end of October, but a clue to what might have happened to him came when he scaled a 20-foot high barbed-wire fence in double-quick time at training in order to get a ball back, prompting one prominent club member to comment 'Ah, so that's how he got into the Country then ?!' Also came up with some silly comments like 'How much do the First Team get paid ?' and the classic in-car conversation with Laurence Hughes & Russell Beeden which went as follows: Russell: 'Mash (Mashood Burahee) is in hospital because he's got a lack of iron in his bloodstream'. 'Lee': 'What's iron ?' Laurence: 'It's a chemical in the body'. Russell: 'That's right. It's not pumping through his veins properly'. 'Lee': 'Oh, you mean Mash has been 'pumping iron' (i.e. Bodybuilding).	*MIKE SINGH* Former work colleague of Laurence Hughes (at W.H.Smith back in the late 70's). Played in goal wearing a pair of sunglasses tied around his head ! Was Rovers regular 'keeper until his sister answered the door one Sunday morning (10 minutes before kick-off) and said 'He's not in, he's er, on a 'course' in the country' (meaning he was in the 'nick' for fraud !) Not surprisingly, we have not heard from him since.	*JOHN 'TODD' SWEENEY* Another player recruited from the 'Dr. Barnardo's' home in Enfield for the 1977-78 Season, making 23 appearances. Was quite a useful, if ungainly defender. Best known for having his own pair of white shorts which he never washed but used in every game ! (The picture taken left was before the match !). Lived in a dingy flat in Park Lane outside the Spurs ground and needed to be woken up by his team-mates every Sunday morning by throwing things at his window due to there being no discernable front door !

*MIKE TARRIER* Badly overweight character with a Public School accent. Totally useless player (unlike his younger brother Paul who also played for us). Played in two 'B' Team Friendly matches in the early 1980's.	*SHELDON TREVATT* Turned up for a mid-season 'goalkeepers trial' for the 'B' Team in the early 1980's wearing a thin short-sleeved T-Shirt despite the temperature being well below freezing ! Needless to say he didn't play a game, but he did actually end up playing against us as an outfield player for Hollistair in the early '90's !	*VINNY WALSH* Suspected heroin addict from the Dr. Barnardo's home. Played half a match in Season 1977-78 (at Enfield Playing Fields ?) and just staggered around the pitch !

*IAN WINGFIELD* Thick work colleague of Jerome Burnikell who 'inadvertently' put his signature on the team sheet/result card when Burnikell had brought him along to play as a 'ringer' ! Played just half a match in the 1980-81 season.	*FLORY ZINGA* Was brought along by his work colleague Derek Dorward during Season 2005-2006 having been released by Cambridge United on their relegation to the Conference. Made his debut as a defender against North West Neasden in the London Intermediate Cup, but when asked to pay his £5.00 match subs and £25.00 Annual after the game he seemed to be under the impression that we would be paying him ! Has therefore not been seen since...except for at work with Del where he never mentions Rovers !?